Manifesto

If I had a manifesto it might say that I'm jealous of people who take risks and who mold their lives as if it were clay and they are naturally born potters and artists. Not only are they naturally gifted to craft something that is admired by the masses, their aesthetic is coveted by the elite who are forcefully alternative and try to epitomize counterculture. By this, I mean that there are people out there who are just so rad, that the lame safe functioning members of society AND the ones trying very hard to be nonconformist (hipsters)  BOTH love you. This is fascinating.

I'm interested in the art of living.

Is it acceptable to declare that you are passionless? My passion is obsessing over other people's passions?

The only other bad thing I've ever come to conclude about myself is that "I didn't ask to be born." This is very dark and I think I shouted it at my mom once, in the middle of a fight at the height of my teenage angst. I think that my Catholic upbringing and schooling provoked that statement because religion and real life were just beginning to clash for me.It was an existential thing to say and I've never forgotten that I thought that.

If I had a manifesto it might say that I'm consumed by thoughts of the "what ifs" and the regrets of not doing. Everyone tells me that I'm young, that I'll figure it out. I know. I know! I have not ruled out doing the doable. I thought that was implied. I'm just preoccupied contemplating when the wiring in my own brain was spooked by the idea of doing. Drugs, people, education, tasks, obligations... these have all been done. I did some silly things and broke some rules, and then there was the atrophy of my passion. Or was it the atrophy of my passion that came first which then provoked the despair of searching for something that might not exist? 

My religion teacher told me "What you're looking for exists." This haunts me. She wasn't exactly a nun, but she was a part of some Catholic movement... and her words left their mark.

If I had a manifesto it might also say that I'm happy and sad and happy and sad and confused and really happy and just sort of waiting for the light to change on that path that I'm on. I may or may not write about it here. 

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